Monday, October 15

Tancrazy Train: Save the Environment. Deport a Doughnut.

It appears the end could be in sight for Tom Tancredo’s presidential bid.

This week, he’s been telling the press that without a top-three finish in the early races in New Hampshire and Iowa, he’ll be forced drop out. Considering he’s polling at about fifth place in both states (as well as in his home state), it appears likely the congressman’s Oval Office frolic may be drawing to a blessed close.

So how soon might we be celebrating a Tancredo-free tomorrow?

Although the states’ caucus/primary pissing match hasn’t yet been resolved, it appears we in Iowa will likely retain our first-state status, with our caucus held as early as mid-December. That means the Hawkeye State could be rid of Tancredo (along with those increasingly bizarre Mitt Romney TV ads) by the holidays. No more would federal taxpayers foot the bill for Tancredo’s little vacay from Washington. No more abortion lectures from a junior high school-teacher-cum-Minuteman-trainee. And no longer would he hog all the Midwest's pizza. Deck the halls!

Actually, the outlook appears good for Coloradans, as well. Though he’s broken term-limit promises in the past, Tancredo has been hinting that he might not seek a sixth stint as the Centennial State’s Sixth District Representative. For no apparent reason, Tancredo has tied his congressional future to the baseball season, telling the AP last week that he’ll announce his decision “after the Rockies play their last game.” No word on exactly why he’s tying his congressional future to a baseball team, or if the outcome of the playoffs will influence his decision either way.

Predictably, the foreseeable end-of-the-line for Tancredo hasn’t slowed him or his minions from releasing outrageous statements, including this one comparing him to Martin Luther King, Jr., Susan B. Anthony and Eleanor Roosevelt.

The essay was posted on Tancredo’s campaign website and penned by Frosty Wooldridge. I interviewed Wooldridge a few years ago while working on a story about the ugly roots of green hate. Wooldridge is a Dick Lamm-style “environmentalist,” who blames America’s eco-woes on Mexicans and who is prone to using sweeping phraseology like “tempest of emotional deceit and lawlessness.”

In this particular essay, Wooldridge writes:

“No one spoke up for women’s rights until Anthony forged her path into American politics. Blacks suffered lynchings until Roosevelt focused her light onto that tragedy. King spoke up with, ‘I have a dream’ in order to bring about social change. Tancredo brought/brings his energy, passion and intellect to our nation’s most pressing dilemma.”

Ah, the messianic Tancredo. Champion of the downtrodden suburban Caucasian with 2.3 children and a Hummer, whose personal carbon footprint likely rivals that of a small nation.

Mere response to a statement this grotesquely misshapen is a waste of brain cells, especially considering Wooldridge goes on in the essay to compare Mexicans to Krispy Kremes. No kidding.

Moving on.

Elsewhere in Tancraziness this week, some supporters of Tancredo have convinced themselves that presidential candidate Mitt Romney is an “illegal alien,” their speculation based largely upon his “mexican [sic] gangster-style haircut.” If Tancredo needs to nab a third-place caucus win in order to stay in the race, he’ll have to start knocking out the top three — Romney, Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson. Perhaps by deporting the competition, he might just stand a chance.

And we wouldn’t put it past him.

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