Tuesday, December 11

How well do you know your neighborhood nationalist?

Take this Tom Tancredo test and find out! Find the answers here on Thursday, December 13. (Quiz written by Bethany Kohoutek, for Tancrazy Train, the Chronicle's weekly column on Colorado's presidential candidate and infamous Congressman.)

1. Which troubled celebrity has Tom publicly supported?

a) Mel Gibson
b) Paris Hilton
c) Dog the Bounty Hunter
d) Scott Stapp

2. The political action committee Tom formed in 2004 shares a name with which film?

a) The Empire Strikes Back
b) Shakedown
c) Team America
d) Dumb & Dumber
e) The Devil’s Rejects

3. After Hurricane Katrina, how did Tom propose to rebuild New Orleans?

a) Sell off U.S. public lands, including national forests, to raise the money

b) By the honest labor of legal American workers willing to work in squalid conditions for minimum wage — you know, the same upstanding citizens scooping up all those meatpacking plant, hotel and agriculture jobs

c) Give it the ol’ Mecca-Medina treatment

4. With which of the following national news personalities does Tom reportedly chat on a regular basis?

a) Don Imus
b) Lauren Jones
c) Lou Dobbs
d) Bill O’Reilly

5. Match the organization with the grade it assigned to Tom.

National Education Association
American Civil Liberties Union
Christian Coalition
NARAL Pro-Choice America
National Rifle Association
League of Conservation Voters
American Public Health Association
Federation for American Immigration Reform

0 percent
8 percent
100 percent
7 percent
8 percent
20 percent
100 percent
22 percent

6. According to Tom Tancredo, what event will mark the “greatest day in our nation’s history”?

a) Dog the Bounty Hunter is named Secretary of Defense in a Tancredo cabinet

b) Roe v. Wade is overturned

c) Global apocalypse strikes everywhere but the Tancredo family bunker in Littleton

d) The completion of the highly anticipated shark*-infested moat along the Mexico-U.S. border
* Note: Sharks have lasers attached to heads.

7. What beef did Tancredo have with the Denver Public Library?

a) He couldn’t put his finger on it, but the logo looked kinda Islamic

b) The library carries Spanish-language books

c) His library card was taken away after DPL security cameras caught him indecently exposed while watching Minuteman live cams on a public computer

8. In Tom’s world, which of the following are “illegal aliens” responsible for?

a) “Pushing drugs”
b) “Raping kids”
c) “Destroying lives”
d) The $60,000 remodel of the Tancredo family basement

e) All of the above

9. Tom was a vocal proponent of the Vietnam War. But in 1969, when he was eligible for the draft, he didn’t go. How did he get out of serving?

a) Defected to Guadalajara

b) Told military doctors he’d been treated for depression

c) Enlisters grew suspicious when he repeatedly demanded to be stationed in Cochise County and given an AK-47 and binoculars

10. Match the description of Tom below with the media organization that made it.

“Goddamned liar”
“The undisputed king of Republican bigotry”
“Imbecilic bigot”
“Tom Tancredo is an idiot.”

Media Organization
National Review
Rolling Stone

11. Tom has said he first grew interested in politics in the eighth grade, when he played this character in a school play.

a) Christopher Columbus
b) Fidel Castro
c) George Wallace
d) King Herod

12. Fill in the blank. In a recent presidential debate, Tom said, “We are just one _______ away from having homosexual marriage forced on the rest of us.”

a) “Adam Sandler movie”
b) “Kooky judge”
c) “’Will & Grace’ rerun”
d) “Killer frat party”

13. Which of the following groups has Tancredo not pissed off in the last year?

a) Muslims
b) Conservative, white Republicans
c) Latinos
d) 9/11 families
e) Women
f) None of the above

14. What is the name of the autobiographical book on which Tom is reportedly working?

a) The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Vigilante Justice
b) Rebel With A Cause
c) The Xenophobe Cookbook: Fifty New Wonder Bread Recipes
d) One Minute Inside A Minuteman’s Mind

15. What was Tom’s career before he was elected to political office?

a) Shift manager at Carlos O’Kelly’s
b) Junior high school teacher
c) Fact-checker for Fox News

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